BYU has always been a difficult place for LGBT students. But
when the Honor Code wording was updated, BYU administrators interpreted some
ambiguity in the language to allow gay students to date openly for two whole
weeks. When church authorities got wind of this, they quickly shut it down. Or
at least so the rumors go.
Hang in there, queer BYU students. It sucks to be back in
the closet, but you can make it through your four years at BYU. You’re part of
a long and proud lineage of queer students who have braved the Honor Code
Office (HCO) and survived. Here are some tips and tricks to help you avoid
getting expelled while still getting the emotional and romantic support you
deserve.
1. Apps are generally pretty safe
The HCO does not make fake profiles on Tinder or Grindr
and swipe through to find students. Fellow BYU students aren’t generally on
there either. Still, always have plausible deniability. Don’t say you’re a BYU
student in your profile. Say you’re looking to “meet people,” not to hook up. Don’t
send nudes (that’s just good advice generally). The point is not to leave any
digital evidence that can be used against you. Wait to have the romantic talk
for when you’re seeing each other in person. Try to meet in a public place for
your first date where you can just talk and get to know each other. Don’t post
pictures of each other together on social media.
2. Beware of PDA
This should be obvious, but avoid touching your date when
other people can see you. It can be hard not to reach across the table and grab
their hand or sneak a peck on their cheek when they do something cute. Make
public time your chance to talk and get to know them. Some couples get more
adventuresome and hold hands or kiss in the park when it’s dark or on the trails
behind Y Mountain. I’d advise against this; it’s not worth the risk. DEFINITELY
do not have sex in public. It’s a crime.
3. Set Limits and Respect Them
As part of dating at BYU, all the physical aspects of the
relationship have to be done in private. This makes it a lot easier for things
to get sexual very quickly. It’s hard to respect an honor code that denies ALL
sexual feeling for your entire life, so many choose to have sex while still at
BYU. I can’t say if this is good or bad, but it should be your decision, not
someone else’s. And when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’ll be more
likely to just go along with your hormones. Make sure that you talk openly and
frequently with your date—BEFORE you get to making out—about how far you both
want to go, and then stick to that. Remember that no means no, for both of you.
4. Get Gay Roommates
I can’t tell you how huge this one is. The Honor Code
relies on students reporting each other. Getting gay roommates means that you
can make your apartment an oasis. It’s much easier to deal with homophobia at
BYU when you can come home to a safe space every night. You can finally feel
normal, where you can cuddle with your date on the couch for movie night
without worry and talk to your roommates about your dating triumphs and woes.
This is probably the single best thing you can do at BYU. Finding other gay
students at USGA and making friends there is usually a great place to start.
5. Be Careful with Baby Gays
We all remember how unstable we were when we first came
out to ourselves (if you were perfectly well-adjusted, congratulations). There’s
a while where you flip flop on wanting to stay in the church vs dating. It’s a
big adjustment to explore and understand one’s sexuality and reconcile that
with one’s faith. Unfortunately, this is the time when students can “switch
back” to being religious and report themselves and their date to the HCO. It’s
happened more than once. If you’re going to date someone who is new to the
whole “gay Mormon” thing, take it very slow. Maintain plausible deniability as
much as possible. Also, remember that they’re probably quite emotionally
fragile. Make their first dating experience a good one that isn’t mixed in with
Mormon guilt. If you are a baby gay yourself, take time to figure yourself out,
and know that it’s ok to go back and forth on the whole dating vs church thing.
But keep the HCO and your date out of it.
6. Know Whom to Tell
It’s wonderful to be able to share your love life with
friends and the larger community. It’s hard to do while at BYU. Finding people
you can trust is probably the greatest challenge. Only tell people whom you
know will be supportive and not turn you in. It’s usually a good idea to get a
feel for what their general opinions on LGBT issues are first before
introducing your date. I’d recommend keeping this group very small though, and
limiting it to other queer people and staunch allies. Remember, other people
can suspect all they want, but unless you tell them directly that you’re
dating, you still have plausible deniability. You can also talk with counselors
in the student Counseling and Psychological Services, which are required by law
to be confidential. They also have group therapy for LGBT students, which is
also confidential.
7. If called into the HCO, DENY, DENY, DENY!!!
Most of the time they don’t actually have evidence on
you, just a report or a suspicion. They’re waiting to see if they can get you
to confess. So act surprised when they accuse you of something. Be polite (they
see attitude as evidence of guilt). Make sure you shave and follow the dress
code when you show up. Your goal is to seem the perfect angel that can’t
imagine why anyone would think you’d ever violate the rules.
9. Stick Together
The HCO is not in a rush to punish students these days. They
get enough bad press as it is. So long as queer students stick together in
their own community, the HCO generally leaves them alone. Don’t be petty and
turn in your friends (or your enemies) when you’re mad at them. The guilt for
doing so can eat people alive for decades. We’re strongest when we watch each
other’s backs.
Good luck, Cougars. May God be with you.
