Friday, November 6, 2015

Adam and I

I had a dream.

I dreamt that I married Adam at City Hall. It was the happiest day of my life, for I had married the man I loved.

I dreamt that I woke up beside him the next morning, his warm, brown eyes looking into mine, and we smiled.

I dreamt that on Sunday we sat in the pews at Church. Adam and I shared a hymn book while we sang “Come, come ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear, but with joy wend your way.”

I dreamt that we sat on a bus on our way to Ward Temple Night. The members went inside, some carrying names of my ancestors I had found through genealogy work. Adam and I sat on a bench outside, feeling the Spirit on the grounds, reading our scriptures, and praying together.

I dreamt that Adam and I would save up enough money to pay for the adoption process (for the Lord blesses those who pay their tithing) and find children who don’t have any parents to look after them. Ginny and Andrew had waited for 4 years in foster care for someone to take them home, but they were already 6 and 8, and most parents only want to adopt infants. But now they had two fathers to feed them, clothe them, educate them, and teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I dreamt that we would ask Sister Robinson, who lives next door, if our children could come over to her house often and play with her children. For Adam insisted that they have a mother figure in their lives, which we could not provide. We babysat for Sister Robinson and she for us, and Ginny and Andrew knew they could always trust her.

I dreamt that we would call my brother and ask him to baptize Andrew. My brother has a wife and kids of his own, a temple marriage and full rights to exercise his priesthood. Adam and I are grateful that we can depend on him. Once Ginny turns 8, he’ll come back to baptize her.

I dreamt that Ginny was sick with a fever of 101. Adam called the home teachers, and they were over here quickly. They anointed her head with oil and gave her a blessing. The fever abated, and Ginny could go to school the next day.

I dreamt that the kids came home and asked why we weren’t sealed like the other families at Church were. Adam and I had long prayed and fasted to know how to answer this question. We tell them that by our doctrine, only a mother and a father can be sealed in the eternities. We had to make a difficult decision that meant we wouldn’t be able to go to the Celestial Kingdom. But we still wanted to give our children an excellent home and teach them the Gospel so that they could reach Exaltation. What parent doesn’t want the best for his child?

I dreamt that Andrew turned 12. Adam’s father, close to 70 now, places his hands on Andrew’s head and gives him the Aaronic priesthood. Adam and I couldn’t be happier. We have the priesthood in our home again.

I dreamt that Ginny is 16. She’s getting ready for her first date. Adam is much better at fashion than I am, and he has her looking modestly gorgeous. We sit her down and review the dating standards in For The Strength of Youth. She’s not paying much attention, since her date will be here in 10 minutes, but we want to impress her one last time with these important standards. We trust both her and the boy, but you can never be too careful. Andrew sits in the kitchen and smirks. He got the same treatment two years ago.

I dreamt that Andrew was getting ready for a mission, which we’ve prepared him well for. He’s already intimately familiar with Preach my Gospel. But he’s not sure he can go. He tells us that for a while now he’s suspected that he’s gay, and doesn’t know if he can serve for that reason. I give him a hug. Adam explains that there’s no reason he can’t serve a mission, that both his fathers did. All missionaries are so focused on the work that sexuality isn’t really an issue anyway. When he gets back, he’ll have a difficult choice to make. We go through all the options and explain the consequences of each, the mortal as well as the eternal ones. We tell him that he’ll learn to listen to the Spirit while on his mission, and that God will direct him in the right path, whatever that may look like. Andrew is calmer now. The Spirit is already reassuring him that he’ll be alright. Next month we drop him off at the MTC.

I dreamt that Ginny was getting married. She’d met a boy at BYU, and now she couldn’t be happier. I reach over a grab Adam’s hand. It reminds me of how we first met in our New Testament class at BYU 15 years ago. Andrew will be back from his mission just in time for the wedding. Adam and I wait outside the doors of the Manti temple, imagining the ceremony and talking about how fast our kids have grown. The temple doors open and the whole party comes out. Ginny’s found a good man, someone who will respect her and treat her as the equal partner she is. We couldn’t be prouder.

I dreamt that Andrew eventually decides to tread the path his fathers trod. He doesn’t want to leave the Church, but he doesn’t want to be alone for life either. He’s starts dating men, and Adam and I assure him that we’ll love him no matter what he chooses. But in the end, Andrew decides that he doesn’t want to give up his priesthood or covenants. He starts dating women again and falls consummately in love with Christine (Adam won the bet. He was pretty sure Andrew was bisexual, but I didn’t think so. Guess I’ll be doing the dishes for the next week.) It’s another beautiful temple wedding.

I dreamt that Adam was sick. We’re old now, with many grandchildren. The ward members bring us food and make sure we get to church alright. I know that there’s no sealing to keep us together after this life. We knew that from the beginning, and we accepted the consequences. We had a sweet life together, and one lifetime was enough. I kiss Adam one last time before he breaths his last, smiling.

I had a dream. But mortals dream foolish things.

I dreamt that I was a child of Israel.

I awoke as a Canaanite dog.    

I lick the bread crumbs that have fallen from the table. My masters ignore me.

My puppies are cold and hungry by the dying fire. I don’t have any milk for them. Neither does Adam. I regurgitate the bread crumbs and they lap it up. Adam and I curl up beside them to keep them warm. Faith and Hope flicker on the hearth, sink to embers

and are gone.


  1. wow, that was powerful. thanks for dreaming, and don't ever stop.

  2. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for posting this. My prayers are with you.

  3. Thank you. There's room on the pew, come sit with me. You and Adam are loved and needed and always have a home in the gospel of Christ.

  4. Chris, It's good to know that there are some people in the church, such as yourself that are willing to be open about their opinions. Especially when the opinions are supportive of the LGBT community!

  5. Unfortunately you are delusional imagining all of these things happening within one of the world's most conservative religions. Why try to change the entire religion? Why believe in a church that you "dream" was more acceptable? It is your right to be homosexual, and I don't agree or disagree with your sexual preference, but why do you feel a change to the church is necessary? Just be gay and be a decent human, screw whatever the church says, and you'll be in the telestial kingdom. Totally worth it and not made up at all!

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  7. I think those are beautiful dreams. All of them can still come true! Baptism and priesthood ordination would only be postponed until the children are 18. But they can still attend church every Sunday and participate in every church program their entire lives. The policy hasn't stopped any of your dreams. It's only postponed the ordinances. Hold on to those dreams! I promise they will still come true!!!

  8. I had a dream. I was the adopted child of two gay parents. They had once been Mormon, but didn't talk about it anymore. They were torn apart by the opposition of the church to their marriage, and they left. I never had much interest, until a friend at school gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon. Although resistant at first, I eventually read it, and couldn't deny the spirit i felt reading it. Within months (with my parents' begrudging consent as they only desired my happiness, and this would make me happy) I was baptized. As I came to believe more and more deeply in my new faith, and as I understood the commandments more fully, I couldn't help but want my family to enjoy the fullest blessings of the gospel and the happiness that comes only through living fully in line with Christ's teachings.
    At this point I was faced with a tremendously difficult choice: do I accept my parents and their lifestyle although I know they will prevent our family from being together forever? Or do I make the awful choice of wishing/praying my parents would get divorced and live celibate/chaste lives so that we could be together for eternity?
    Then I woke up. God, in his wisdom, had given revelation to prophets to spare me, and others like me, from the impossible choice between God and Family. He gave revelation to prophets that I could attend church as often as I like, but that I should wait to be 18 before being baptized so that I wouldn't be conflicted between faith and family.
    As great as your story is, I don't see it being nearly as common an experience as the one I've described. Its amazing to me that the church is STILL protecting families, even as people claim they are destroying them. The church doesn't even agree with same-sex marriages, but they care about families so much that they still want to protect these marriages from the very likely heartbreak of a wedge coming between them and their child.
    I'm not claiming that this policy isn't very painful for many people. I'm not trying to belittle your completely genuine and valid feelings on this. I just believe that this policy will end up protecting more LGBT families than it hurts. It may hurt the very small group of LGBT mormons who want to raise their children in the church, but it will protect the families of the millions more of LGBT families who aren't in the church and could be driven apart by a child joining before becoming a legal adult.

    1. And they wouldn't be pulled apart by the child going to church, joining in activities, learning their doctrine, being taught constantly that their parents live in sin? What is the difference? Hard to use this argument when they still encourage them to come and be loved and indoctrinated.

  9. No amount of whimsy can make the Lord change his mind that homosexuality is wrong. I'm sorry that you dreamed that he didn't care because you had goo d intentions. I could write a similar story about how I had a dream that I could commit adulty and God didn't care. Wouldn't it be nice if God let us do whatever we wanted? Sorry Adam. That's not how things work.

    1. Man has changed the religious beliefs and rules throughout history. They did just this week. I highly doubt you live by all the laws set forth in Leviticus. Beards, tattoos, cutting your hair (which is now actually encouraged) stoning your children for talking back to you, burning anything a woman touches while on her period. You know all the stuff we now see as ridiculous. Really the only group that comes even close to living how the bible says in ISIS so don't even bother trying to deny that mans "whimsy" has not affected what has been picked and chosen as relevant today. We have let go of most of the Old testament stuff except for the 10 commandments which most people agree are pretty wise and widely agreed upon. And then this little pesky homosexuality thing. Man Christianity has held on to that one very tightly. Many see it as ridiculous, and no different than the others.

  10. This is really powerful. Don't listen to the haters telling you you are delusional or that you're just wrong. They mean well, but compassion is too scary for them for whatever reason. This was beautiful and powerful. And you never know. Maybe your dream will come true someday.

  11. I'm sorry you are hurting. I have a gay son and this initially hit me in the gut also. But I decided, after some deep thought, that this is a good decision. Honestly, why would you want to expose yourself, your partner, and your children to a religion that will never accept who you are and how you live your life? My advice is to gather your chicks and walk away - and find a church home where you are loved and valued. If you are a member of the LDS Church, then you KNOW that means you must agree with and support the decisions of the Prophet and the General Authority. If you don't, you must leave. I decided, when I asked "Why?" , that this must compare to the story of Joseph in the Bible. His brothers sold him into slavery. It was horrible and how in the world could he ever understand it? And in the end, there WAS a plan - and it saved his entire family. Hopefully, there is a plan here that we just can't see that in the end, will be beneficial. Go hug your partner, hug your children, tell them how much you value them, then walk away in peace. There are many churches who are accepting and perhaps you can find shelter and comfort in those congregations. God Bless You.