A Guide to Queer Dating at BYU

BYU has always been a difficult place for LGBT students. But when the Honor Code wording was updated, BYU administrators interpreted some ambiguity in the language to allow gay students to date openly for two whole weeks. When church authorities got wind of this, they quickly shut it down. Or at least so the rumors go.

Hang in there, queer BYU students. It sucks to be back in the closet, but you can make it through your four years at BYU. You’re part of a long and proud lineage of queer students who have braved the Honor Code Office (HCO) and survived. Here are some tips and tricks to help you avoid getting expelled while still getting the emotional and romantic support you deserve.

1. Apps are generally pretty safe

The HCO does not make fake profiles on Tinder or Grindr and swipe through to find students. Fellow BYU students aren’t generally on there either. Still, always have plausible deniability. Don’t say you’re a BYU student in your profile. Say you’re looking to “meet people,” not to hook up. Don’t send nudes (that’s just good advice generally). The point is not to leave any digital evidence that can be used against you. Wait to have the romantic talk for when you’re seeing each other in person. Try to meet in a public place for your first date where you can just talk and get to know each other. Don’t post pictures of each other together on social media.

2.  Beware of PDA

This should be obvious, but avoid touching your date when other people can see you. It can be hard not to reach across the table and grab their hand or sneak a peck on their cheek when they do something cute. Make public time your chance to talk and get to know them. Some couples get more adventuresome and hold hands or kiss in the park when it’s dark or on the trails behind Y Mountain. I’d advise against this; it’s not worth the risk. DEFINITELY do not have sex in public. It’s a crime.

3. Set Limits and Respect Them

As part of dating at BYU, all the physical aspects of the relationship have to be done in private. This makes it a lot easier for things to get sexual very quickly. It’s hard to respect an honor code that denies ALL sexual feeling for your entire life, so many choose to have sex while still at BYU. I can’t say if this is good or bad, but it should be your decision, not someone else’s. And when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’ll be more likely to just go along with your hormones. Make sure that you talk openly and frequently with your date—BEFORE you get to making out—about how far you both want to go, and then stick to that. Remember that no means no, for both of you.

4. Get Gay Roommates

I can’t tell you how huge this one is. The Honor Code relies on students reporting each other. Getting gay roommates means that you can make your apartment an oasis. It’s much easier to deal with homophobia at BYU when you can come home to a safe space every night. You can finally feel normal, where you can cuddle with your date on the couch for movie night without worry and talk to your roommates about your dating triumphs and woes. This is probably the single best thing you can do at BYU. Finding other gay students at USGA and making friends there is usually a great place to start.

5. Be Careful with Baby Gays

We all remember how unstable we were when we first came out to ourselves (if you were perfectly well-adjusted, congratulations). There’s a while where you flip flop on wanting to stay in the church vs dating. It’s a big adjustment to explore and understand one’s sexuality and reconcile that with one’s faith. Unfortunately, this is the time when students can “switch back” to being religious and report themselves and their date to the HCO. It’s happened more than once. If you’re going to date someone who is new to the whole “gay Mormon” thing, take it very slow. Maintain plausible deniability as much as possible. Also, remember that they’re probably quite emotionally fragile. Make their first dating experience a good one that isn’t mixed in with Mormon guilt. If you are a baby gay yourself, take time to figure yourself out, and know that it’s ok to go back and forth on the whole dating vs church thing. But keep the HCO and your date out of it.

6. Know Whom to Tell

It’s wonderful to be able to share your love life with friends and the larger community. It’s hard to do while at BYU. Finding people you can trust is probably the greatest challenge. Only tell people whom you know will be supportive and not turn you in. It’s usually a good idea to get a feel for what their general opinions on LGBT issues are first before introducing your date. I’d recommend keeping this group very small though, and limiting it to other queer people and staunch allies. Remember, other people can suspect all they want, but unless you tell them directly that you’re dating, you still have plausible deniability. You can also talk with counselors in the student Counseling and Psychological Services, which are required by law to be confidential. They also have group therapy for LGBT students, which is also confidential.

7. If called into the HCO, DENY, DENY, DENY!!!

Most of the time they don’t actually have evidence on you, just a report or a suspicion. They’re waiting to see if they can get you to confess. So act surprised when they accuse you of something. Be polite (they see attitude as evidence of guilt). Make sure you shave and follow the dress code when you show up. Your goal is to seem the perfect angel that can’t imagine why anyone would think you’d ever violate the rules.

8. Be on the Lookout for Abuse

It is very easy for abusers to isolate gay students. They're a vulnerable group, and the abuser can use the Honor Code as a threat to manipulate someone into staying with them. If you find yourself in this situation, talk to a friend. Talk to the counseling center. Abusers make sure that you can't see things clearly, and outside perspectives can help you realize what's happening. Most of the time when you call their bluff, abusers don't actually turn people in. But even if they do, you can get through it. Catching early signs of abuse can help you avoid these situations altogether.

9. Stick Together

The HCO is not in a rush to punish students these days. They get enough bad press as it is. So long as queer students stick together in their own community, the HCO generally leaves them alone. Don’t be petty and turn in your friends (or your enemies) when you’re mad at them. The guilt for doing so can eat people alive for decades. We’re strongest when we watch each other’s backs.

Good luck, Cougars. May God be with you.

How to be a Troll

I have been a troll for 7 years now. Not the famed internet troll who baits people into arguments, though I have also been guilty of that from time to time. No, I mean the kind of troll who lurks under bridges, watching the river flow in endless variation. Trolls are liminal creatures, after all, neither of one shore nor the other, but dwellers of the in-between space, like the bridge itself. And liminality is my purview.

Recently I have been contemplating the concept of ideological bridge building, the goal of the group Mormons Building Bridges. They seek to connect the LGBT community and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to show that at least some saints love and support queer people regardless of what rhetoric may come from Salt Lake City.

I applaud the work they do. However, I cannot help but notice that their Facebook group has become engulfed in the culture war between religion and queerness, just like everywhere else. Many advocate for the Church to allow same-sex marriage, even in temple sealings, and see any compromise as dehumanizing. While the majority in the group holds this sentiment, there are some who consistently hold the opposite view, that the Church can never change its policies because they are from an immutable God, and that the Church is already showing love towards LGBT people because as God’s church, it must always be doing the best.

Honestly neither of these viewpoints has anything to do with bridge building. The queer supporters 

are on one side of a great chasm, the doctrine supporters on the other. Neither one is trying to cross over to the other side (the telos of a bridge) but rather to hurl insults at each other (usually to the tune of bigot, unfeeling, abomination, etc.). They both want converts, not compromise. Or better still, for the other side to sink into the earth, forcing all their rivals to come to their side or perish. It is the other side which must cross the bridge, not our side.

As someone who sits under that bridge and hears the conversations of people who do cross, I can tell you that no one is convinced by logical arguments, insults, shame, or cultural pressures. Everyone who crosses does so out of love. Love for their children, love for a spouse, love for their God. No one bothers with a bridge until there is someone on the other side whom they want to be with. And crossing is never easy; it is terrifying. The ground under your feet is solid, dependable, familiar. But the bridge is suspended over rushing water, deadly, implacable, hungry. Ideologies are places of comforting certainty and answers, but bridges are places of questions and doubts. The toll for crossing is to lose the beliefs you hold dear.

So if you’re brave enough, come sit on the bridge with me.

The defenders of doctrine will hear the whispering doubts the moment they set foot on the bridge. What if queer people are in pain? What if my church is causing it? What if our doctrine is causing it? Maybe our prophets are wrong. But if they are wrong, how can they be prophets? What if they’re a sham? What if God is a sham? What is left in a world without God? What kind of monster have I been, tormenting queer people for so long, even the ones closest to me? How many of their deaths have I caused?

From the other side, the queer advocates will have similar thoughts. What if God does care about someone’s sex life? What if happiness in the eternities really is dependent on a man-woman relationship? What if all the hurt and pain of queer people is because they are not obeying God’s commandments? Have I been an advocate for sin? Have I disparaged God’s holy prophets only to condemn my brothers and sisters to hell along with my traitorous self?

Push through the doubt. Meet each other half way at the center of the bridge. See your uncertainty and pain and fear mirrored in the eyes of another. Find solace in shared discomfort.

Because at the center of the bridge is void energy. There is no right or wrong, no gospel or identity. All ideologies break down, the walls that protect and confine us dissolve, and the limitless possibilities of creation unfold before us. We are nowhere, between worlds, and for once we can communicate heart to heart without a need to convince or prove or win. The zero-sum game is over because there is nothing left to gain. Conversely, there is endless potential for new horizons. And the only certain thing in the swirling nothingness is the other human being standing right in front of you. If you want to survive, if you want to resist the pull of madness that demands you jump into the river below, you must embrace this other person, with all their flaws and biases and hatred and love them.

That’s when we can begin to forge new ideologies that include both worlds. We mingle the embers of understanding, the refined truths that survived the crossing of the bridge, and craft a place that thrives in unity. A place where our children can grow up in love and safety until they too are called to cross the bridge and renew the world again.

This is the power of bridge building. Take it from an experienced troll.

Queering Eve

 

A key doctrine in Mormon theology is the Fall of Adam and Eve. In the Garden of Eden, God said “Ye shall not eat of [the fruit of that tree], neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die” (Genesis 3:3). But the serpent tempted Eve, who ate, and Adam followed suit soon after. While we Mormons share the concept of fallen humanity with other Christian sects, Mormons have a unique perspective: we consider the Fall to be an essential part of God’s plan for us. The Garden of Eden was never meant to be humanity’s home, but was merely a rest stop between creation and mortality. It would be the site of a critical decision that would begin Adam and Eve’s learning process on Earth; therefore the net gain from eating the forbidden fruit far outweighed any drawbacks. In fact, had they remained in the garden, they wouldn’t have progressed much at all in life:  

If Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end. And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin. (2 Nephi 2:22–23) 

Adam was, quite frankly, a daddy’s boy. God gave him a commandment and he was content to obey. When Satan presented him with the fruit, he never considered eating it.¹ And Adam’s single-minded, perfect obedience to God nearly screwed over all of humanity. Eve was the one who figured it out, or at least intuited what needed to be done. She realized that knowledge could only be obtained through life experience, that real human progress couldn’t happen in a peaceful paradise. Obeying God was getting in the way of eternal happiness. So Eve partook of the fruit, and got Adam to partake, and all our modern prophets have extolled the decision. Take Joseph Fielding Smith, for instance:

 One of these days, if I ever get to where I can speak to Mother Eve, I want to thank her for tempting Adam to partake of the fruit. He accepted the temptation, with the result that children came into this world. … If she hadn’t had that influence over Adam, and if Adam had done according to the commandment first given to him, they would still be in the Garden of Eden and we would not be here at all. We wouldn’t have come into this world. So the commentators made a great mistake when they put in the Bible … “man’s shameful fall.”

What are we to take away from our first parents’ example? Usually we think of the Fall as a long-finished fact and leave it at that: “Oh, how wonderful that Adam and Eve did that however many millennia ago!” But I contend that there is another lesson to be learned here. Sometimes God’s commandments actually get in the way of our eternal progress, and we will need to make a decision between obeying God and developing into the person He wants us to become.

“Heresy!” you cry. Well, yes, but it may just be a true one. There is great comfort in the words of our hymn, “Keep the commandments. In this there is safety; in this there is peace.” But too much peace and too much safety, and we become like Adam and Eve, trapped in a coddling, paradisiacal bubble. No amount of commandment-keeping will keep out all of mortality’s troubles, but that doesn’t stop most people from trying. We want peace over the growing pains of life.

This doesn’t mean that we seek out trouble, and it certainly shouldn’t give us a license to sin whenever we find commandments inconvenient. Progressive disobedience is the exception that makes the rule rather than a way of life. But in some instances God seems to allow us to exercise our agency, together with the guidance of the Holy Ghost, to choose for ourselves what is best for our own progress. Perhaps that is why Joseph Smith added in an extra phrase to the Genesis narrative: “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die” (Moses 3:17, emphasis added).

Queer Mormons have long had impossible decisions to make. Do we stay in the safety and peace of the Gospel, enjoying all these wonderful blessings from God? Or do we venture forth from His protection into the lone and dreary world to find our mate who has already partaken of the fruit? Is it good to remain a lone man in the Garden of Eden, or do we intend to obey all of God’s commandments and start our own families? Perhaps some will hear in my words the “temptations” of Eve beckoning them to fecund life. Or maybe I’m more like Satan, spinning false doctrines to lead people astray. Of course, in the story of the Fall, Adam could listen to either one to get where he needed to go.   

I’ll add in a word of caution: Falling hurts. Adam was sentenced to hard labor, while Eve got labor pains. They lost their paradise and were expelled from God’s presence. Queer Mormons lose their ordinances, their Church membership, and ultimately the Celestial kingdom, eternal families, and God. Adam and Eve gained children, and the whole human race shouts for joy over their decision. When queer Mormons form families, illicit though they may be, will our descendants shout for joy as well?

We know that gay sex and gay marriage bring spiritual death. In the day thou lovest thou shalt surely die. Adam and Eve were saved by the Grace of Jesus Christ and gained everything back. Will Jesus come for us queer Mormons too?

Eve gets the final word here in a statement that is deliciously paradoxical:

And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient. (Moses 5:11)

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Notes:

1) Mormons have many accounts of the Fall in our scriptures and temple ceremonies. I count at least five. Some details may be unfamiliar to those who only adhere to the Genesis account.

Art Work: Eve and the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge by J. Kirk. Richards

A is for Apostasy

Today marks the anniversary of the policy change that labeled members in same-sex relationships as apostate and prohibited their children from receiving ordinances. It is also the anniversary of this blog, which was born from the pain and mourning of that moment.

While I now retain membership in the Church, I am acutely aware that one day I too will be pronounced apostate, my ordinances annulled and my records annotated with an asterisk (*homosexual). It brings to mind Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter. Hester Prynne's faith community discovers her to be with child, though she has been separated from her husband for a long time. Rather than kill her outright, they devise a worse punishment: she must wear a scarlet A on all of her clothing, becoming a living, shameful representation of her adulterous sin and a warning to others to refrain from the same. Yet the leaders of her community did not count on her indomitable spirit and her talent as a seamstress. She meekly complied with their censure and created exquisitely embroidered ‘A’s on her clothing. Rather than show shame, she showed them beauty.

After her lover dies of guilt, Hester leaves her community for a time. When she returns years later, she takes up residence in her old cottage by the sea-shore. She lives apart from the bustling town, at once a part of the community and separate from it. She chooses to occupy a liminal space, and through that act changes everything:

But, in the lapse of the toilsome, thoughtful, and self-devoted years that made up Hester’s life, the scarlet letter ceased to be a stigma which attracted the world’s scorn and bitterness, and became a type of something to be sorrowed over, and looked upon with awe, yet with reverence too. And, as Hester Prynne had no selfish ends, nor lived in any measure for her own profit and enjoyment, people brought all their sorrows and perplexities, and besought her counsel, as one who had herself gone through a mighty trouble. Women, more especially,--in the continually recurring trials of wounded, wasted, wronged, misplaced, or erring and sinful passion,--or with the dreary burden of a heart unyielded, because unvalued and unsought,--came to Hester’s cottage, demanding why they were so wretched, and what the remedy! Hester comforted and counselled them, as best she might.

What would happen if, despite the rhetoric of apostasy, queer Mormons and their allies remained active in the Church? They would remain on the margins of the ward, without callings or ordinances, but continue to exert a loving influence. Perhaps with time the label would cease to hold opprobrium and instead garner respect. “These are the people,” members might say, “who followed the spiritual promptings in their heart. These are the people who loved when others were too afraid. These are the people who accept the Lord even when our Church thinks they do not.”

Ultimately we do not choose the label that others give us. But we can, like Hester Prynne, transform the label into something of beauty. If all queer people leave the Church or keep their orientation or gender identity a secret, then subsequent generations of queer youth will continue to pass through an excruciatingly painful and lonely process of self-discovery, a process that some do not survive. Nothing will change in the Church because those who could be an example to the believers, the lights on the hill, have hidden under a bushel (Matt 5:14-16). For a long time I waited for change to come from the top down, for a magnificent and sweeping transformation in the Church.  But now I realize that God touches one heart at a time as each person undergoes personal conversion. When a member looks into the eyes of a queer person, they at last see what God sees: a heart full of beauty, strength, and love.

We need more wise women and men to keep the borders of the Church. We are the gatekeepers between the civilized and the natural, the old and the new. When we stay, we flood the Church with wild ideas, raw material from which new revelation can be fashioned. We are an unanswered question to which the Lord will reply, if only we keep asking. In the meantime, those who know rejection’s sting are imbued with a greater capacity for empathy, for hearing the problems of others and refraining from a judgemental stare. Those who have been wounded know how to heal. We can choose to cast out the bitterness that rankles, soothing our hearts with the balm of the Savior’s Atonement, and then apply the Healer’s art in turn. Our Church is sick, and we must be the ones to mend it.

If we believe in the Gospel, then we believe in the progress of Truth. Light and Knowledge will pour down from heaven, illuminating every corner of the human soul. Darkness and ignorance will give way as the Lord extends His power to encompass even the decrepit cockles of the hardest heart. The dams of prejudice will burst before this onslaught, and one more corner of Zion will be reconciled to the whole.

Apostates, we need you. We need your love and your patience and your forgiveness. I know how hard it is to stay, to accept even for a moment a lesser position in the Kingdom of God. But are we not following the example of our Master, who descended below all things to exalt all things in turn? A man cannot be saved in bigotry. We need to give Church members a chance to right their wrongs, to learn to love their neighbor. In this endeavor Christ’s Atonement will sustain us, “for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (1 Timothy 2:7).

Love will win in the end. For God is love, and God always wins.

Monsters

 Artwork by Christy Grandjean

Monsters dwell in liminal spaces. They crouch in the shadows of ideologies, sliding between the dissonance created from warring factions of humanity. Normally they are safely distanced as the Other, a menace that cannot cross the palisades of our worldview. But when we pass through liminal space (or in my case, set up residency there) we must face monsters of our own making.

Both Mormon and Queer ideologies have ways of slaying monsters. If you are Mormon, the queer monster can be caged, repressed, and finally slayed through death and resurrection. If you are Queer, you can be rescued from the mormon monster’s layer, free from its oppressive sway. But what of Queer Mormons? These grappling ideologies can synthesize into a paradigm of fecund beauty, or the worst parts can amalgamate into a chimeric demon.

This demon stalks me.

What if homosexual action truly were a sin? What if its indulgence ensured that God will cast the soul far from his presence, and the warm connections of family will give way to the cold reality of eternal isolation? And what if homosexual desires were also incurable, even by Christ’s Atonement? What if the deepest longing for human connection, to find one’s mate and helpmeet, were forever corrupted, so that the one joy we seek in life were forever denied, even after death? And yet we are compelled to fulfill that need for mate and love, so that most if not all of us succumb to forbidden paths and are lost to the light. We are doomed to failure.

Some seek to slay this monster. They train their sword on the Mormon half, insisting that homosexuality cannot be a sin. But if they are wrong, they will lead a life of guilt, devoid of joy, and suffer eternal consequences. Others attack the Queer half, insisting that the World seeks to deceive them. But if they are wrong, they will lead a life of deprivation, devoid of joy, and miss out on life’s greatest blessings. Both groups avoid the truth: both halves are inseparable and immortal. We will always be Mormon, and always be Queer. And we realize that we were never looking at a monster, only a mirror with our own reflection.

Are we then the servants of Satan of which Elder Nelson warned? Are we destined to perversion, to pull the Saints into the muck of sin and false teachings? Are we to be an illustration of God’s wrath to warn and instruct the faithful in obedience? Do we then fulfill our existence when we at last sink into Hell?

I hear the whispers in the darkness of my mind. Demon, they call me. Aberration. Inhuman Abomination. It is my own voice.

How long can we humans dwell in liminal space before monsters and madness devour us? How long before we become monsters ourselves?  

Proclamation Families

In 1995, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints created the document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” In it they outlined their hopes for the ideal family, one based on divinely revealed principles, and gave it the full weight of their prophetic approbation. While I am fully aware of the Proclamation’s historical context, namely as a response to a judicial ruling in favor of same-sex marriage in Hawaii the previous year, I cannot help but believe that any document penned through revelation contains more than the authors intended.

I recently heard someone make the distinction between Proclamation families and Non-Proclamation families, meaning heterosexual couples versus homosexual couples. Such a reading focuses on the Proclamation’s exclusionary potential. Of course, it is somewhat limiting to think that the document can only exclude homosexual couples: those who are single, divorced, widowed, and infertile are excluded too, not to mention those who meet the criteria of a man, a woman, and children, but are unmarried, too poor to keep a parent at home, atheist, non-Christian, or abusive. In fact, if we seek to perfectly emulate the “Proclamation to the World,” the vast majority of the world falls short.

Alternately, we can read the Proclamation as inclusive, meaning that it applies to all families. Just as the U.S. Constitution has the Necessary and Proper Clause, which allows Congress to expand its powers as needed to meet the nation’s needs, the Proclamation states: “other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” This gives each individual wide-ranging interpretive powers, using the gift of personal revelation to tailor the principles inherent in the Proclamation to their own family situation.

What might a queer Proclamation family look like? Let’s take a look.

“Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.” Indeed, I doubt anyone could argue with such a statement. I need look no further than the imperfect yet clearly celestial marriage of my own mother and father to know that heterosexual marriage is a beautiful and beneficent institution. And the divinity of heterosexual marriage in no way threatens the divinity of queer marriages. Thus marriage between a man and a man or a woman and a woman or a man and a non-binary person, or a polygamous situation can also be ordained of God.

“Family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” another self-evident statement. It is through wonderful heterosexual families that many of God’s queer children come into this world. It is how queer couples grow in love and sacrifice and selflessness together, and have children of their own. Family is the mechanism by which we prepare for eternity.

“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” Need we say more? All human beings are divine, loved by God, and created in the divine image. We all have a divine destiny, straight and queer.

“Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” As a cisgender male, I can feel an essential masculinity in myself, even as I pass rather freely through societal constructions of gender norms. This statement has given me great confidence to know that no matter what I may do, my masculinity remains intact. The Mormon transgender community has also found great comfort in this statement, knowing that their gender identity is eternal, that it existed before they were put into imperfect mortal bodies, and that it will continue after this life in the resurrection of perfect bodies.

“The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.” What a blessing that we can remain with those we love even after death. But of course, I would find it odd if an omniscient and omnipotent god had not made plans to allow families to continue throughout eternity. Even those who died without sealing ordinances in this life are receiving them vicariously in our temples. No doubt the Lord has also prepared a way for current queer families to be blessed with eternal perpetuation.

“We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” Kids are important! Thanks to the miracles of modern science, clearly a blessing from God, queer families can also fulfill this commandment. Not only are surrogacies and artificial inseminations available, but it seems likely that we will soon be able to combine the DNA of two men or two women to form healthy children for queer families. Many children also need a new home, and queer families can nurture them through adoption.

“We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” This is a slight rephrasing of the temple covenant we make when we agree to obey the law of chastity, which applies to everyone, straight and queer. However, I like the temple phrasing better. The next time you are in an endowment session, listen carefully to the words and note that the word “respectfully” is never used. And honestly, could not the queer community, particularly the gay male community, stand a little more monogamy? Men, it’s time to grow up and settle down with a good husband and start having kids! Stable, life-long, committed relationships are so much better than a string of one-night stands! Listen to the prophets; they know what they’re talking about. And if you’re looking and haven’t found the right guy yet, don’t be discouraged. The Lord wants to bless you with a good marriage. Keep looking.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.” Absolutely. So do husband and husband, and wife and wife. How wonderful if all families, straight and queer, loved and cared for each other? This is surely a true doctrine from the Lord.

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” This part speaks for itself.

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” As of 2015, no queer couples in the U.S. have an excuse. Your children deserve to be born within the bonds of matrimony, and those bonds are sacred. Can you imagine stable, committed queer marriages, where there is no cheating? How much happier children would be in such a marriage! And while we may even acknowledge that a mother and father would be ideal, I think we can make do just fine with two fathers and an aunt, or two mothers and a grandfather. As we said above, “other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” This is perhaps the key sentence in all the Proclamation. Families can be happy when they follow the Lord, queer or straight. The Savior taught us to love one another, and that makes for happy families.

Parents should “provide the necessities of life and protection for their families” and “nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” As long as there is food for hungry mouths and kisses for bruised knees, a child can grow up happy and loved. But only when both parents work together as equals will they best accomplish this, however labor is divided.

“We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” We are accountable for making sure our budding queer families are the kind that will be acceptable to God. They must be filled with love, with laughter, with joy. Our families will contribute to the bulwark that upholds communities and nations.

Marriage is still a ways off for me, an uncertainty amidst a sea of possibilities. But were I to marry another man, we will have a copy of the Proclamation hanging on our wall, and we will be a Proclamation family. Because it is my testimony that happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  

A Prophet’s Voice

What does the Church’s narrative look like for people who experience same-sex attraction? What would their ideal journey be? I have read the words of prophets and apostles, and as best I can tell, this is what they envision for us.

A boy¹ is born, and either through latent biological factors or sociological and environmental influences, this boy develops feelings of same-sex attraction during his pubescent years. He is concerned, but has read the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet and knows that if he experiences these feelings he should go to his parents and bishop for counseling.

Once seated before his bishop, he is assured that he is still loved and in no ways a less valiant child of God. As this young man has not committed any transgressions, and merely has feelings of same-sex attraction, there is no need for repentance or church discipline. This bishop is well versed in the words of modern apostles, and directs the youth towards resources such as mormonsandgays.org or the seminal talks of Dallin H. Oaks and Jeffery R. Holland. The young man understands that he is first and foremost a child of God, and only secondarily a being who experiences sexual feelings. Instead of fixating on what makes him different, he instead focuses on his Church callings, on preparing for a mission, and on service to his family and ward members. He should not associate with any groups that identify primarily by their sexual orientation. Dating is reserved as a group activity where he becomes good friends with the young women in his ward and develops good social skills.

He serves a mission and returns with honor. Because he was so focused on missionary work, issues of same-sex attraction were not a temptation. He enrolls in a good university to continue his education and prepare to provide for a family.

Dating becomes a new goal in order to reach marriage. The young man is perturbed by how difficult this may be, for his feelings of same-sex attraction have not lessened. He goes to speak with his bishop again for more advice. After studying the words of the apostles, his bishop instructs him that he should continue to date lots of different women and make strong friendships with them. He should not marry a woman unless he feels genuine attraction towards her. Otherwise he should continue to serve diligently in the Church in order to keep his feelings of same-sex attraction in the background.

At this point there are two possibilities for the hypothetical young man. If his feelings of same-sex attraction are not overly strong and he also experiences attraction for the opposite sex, then he will in due time find a woman to whom he is attracted and be able to marry in the temple. At this point his feelings of same-sex attraction are just like any other extra-marital attraction: they are to be managed carefully in order to maintain fidelity in his marriage. In some cases, he may develop a strong romantic attraction to a woman without the accompanying sexual attraction. In this case he may make the decision to enter into a committed marriage and rely on his covenant promises to make the marriage a success. In both cases, his continued commitment to the Gospel of Jesus Christ will serve as the bulwark of his marriage.

The other possibility is that his feelings of same-sex attraction are so consummate that he experiences no attraction to the opposite sex. In his case, he should continue to make strong friendships with women in the event that one of those relationships might flower into attraction and subsequent marriage. However, he is not expected to marry in this life. Instead he should devote his energy and resources to the Church, ensuring that the Gospel is foremost in his life. His relationship with God and with the Savior Jesus Christ should be the focus of all that he does. In this way his primary identity is that of a child of God, and he should be able to maintain ascendency over his sexual feelings.

When this man dies, he will be released from the imperfection of same-sex attraction. It is an affliction of this life only, tied to the physical and imperfect mortal body, and will be healed in the afterlife. If he married, his love for his wife will be made perfect and whole. If he did not marry, his sexuality will become whole, and he will find a righteous woman to marry in the spirit world, for the prophets have frequently promised that all the blessings of the Gospel will be made available to those who are righteous in this life, including marriage for those who, through no fault of their own, were not able to marry in this life.

At times in his life, this man may stumble. He may allow his thoughts to fantasize about a homosexual relationship, masturbate, view homoerotic pornography, or even have a homosexual affair. All these can be repented of through the man’s diligence, the counsel of his bishop, and most importantly, the atonement of Jesus Christ. With time he should learn the self-mastery necessary to not indulge in any of these temptations. While acknowledging that these feelings of same-sex attraction will most likely never go away, by focusing on the Gospel and making Jesus the center of his life, the man will be able to choose not to act in this manner, and the feelings will become of secondary importance. He will find fulfillment in this life and eternal life in the next.

This is the story that Church leaders weave, the mythos² by which they would have me live. While others find it compelling, it fails to resonate with me. When I picture myself as that man, as the depicted life as my life, I break down in tears. I do not believe that such a path could bring me happiness. And yet I still ask myself if I could not choose to believe it, to drift through life shrouded in in the certainty of the official LDS narrative. Perhaps I could, but for now a different path calls, one I must forge between the two narratives of Queer and Mormon.

At the same time, I cannot fault others for choosing this life and this story. What does not hold the ring of truth in my ears may harmonize well in another’s. And who am I to demand that Church leaders change their tune? I have the spiritual autonomy to sing my own melody and delight in the dissonance, and I should also allow them theirs.

But that autonomy was hard won, pried from the ridged grasp of prophetic infallibility and nursed into the supple song I now enjoy. And sometimes a young mind can find no peace in this narrative and no escape, shaking with the clanging incongruities until it shatters and is silent, a voice that will sing no more.

Notes:

1) Curiously enough, there is no narrative for women who experience same-sex attraction. It is conceptualized primarily as a male problem. One would assume that women should follow a similar pattern for their spiritual journey. This article suggests some interesting theories as to why no such female narrative exists.  

2) Mythos in the sense of a culturally significant narrative that aids in the creation of a cosmology. It is neutral in terms of truth or factuality.